Once More With Feeling...

I really don't know how long this will all last.

This may be my second heroic attempt at a blog, but seeing how things fair for the moment it is all pending on how well I can hold onto it without losing my grip (so to speak).

Okay, enough with the dramatics. For now, at least.

I had a blog going on 3 1/2 years. I wrote in it every day, starting out mostly to amuse a friend who made it for me, considering that she was the only one reading it at the time, so most of my posts were silly little in-jokes and every day minutiae. Over 3 years later... well, not much had changed. But having a place to post every day -- a place to put those little in-jokes and every day minutiae, to write about books and albums and movies and theater, a bookmark for my thoughts and ideas, a place to bitch about things without burdening anyone with my issues -- one doesn't know how one can become dependent on these things until these things are taken away from one... er, me that is.

Alright I lied. Back to your regularly scheduled dramatics...

I guess about two months ago I pulled the plug on my blog. It was becoming an increasingly rough time for me emotionally, financially, socially, as anyone who had been a faithful reader may have been able to surmise, and issues come up to where I hastily took it all off line, without a single shred salvaged. What felt like a simple thing to do in a fit of frustration and anger overwhelmed me 24 hours later like (again, sorry for the dramatics) a mother who had suddenly come to her senses and realized that she had just held her baby under the bathwater and drowned it. I had no idea that the loss of my, well honestly, stupid senseless blog would have that kind of effect on me, and the depression that I was already feeling caused me to spiral even further downward into almost crippling despair. It's ridiculous, I know. I have no excuse.

But I'm starting to come back to myself again. I'm like that. I am not intrinsically a "depressed person" by nature. I like to think that I'm generally pretty happy and content most of the time. Despite the money situation I feel that I have a lot going for me: I have a wonderful, supportive family. Friends, as well as the world's greatest boyfriend. A job I love (although it doesn't pay for squat). My general good health. A modest degree of talent. I really don't feel as if I have a right to complain about anything. And I've never liked to complain anyway. I hate bugging people with my problems, because you know, everybody has their own, and while I am always happy to listen and help out with other people's problems, I always feel like a hindrance when I load anyone up with my own.

But what I liked about the blog was that I could unload someplace without boring/burdening any of my friends or family, and when that disappeared I finally realized how much I missed having something like that around. Something cathartic, in a healthy way. It reminds me of a chapter I once read years ago in Donald Michael Craig's book Modern Magick about how to unburden yourself with these issues by making your problems take on a physical form (yet imaginary, like a monster), tie it to you with an invisible rope, and then cut the rope and separating yourself from the depression so that you feel free of it. Not that I'm actually doing anything as wackily New Age-y as all that, but the blog did sometimes sort of serve as that physical form to where if I had a small, insignificant problem I could just place it in there, let it all out of my system, and then walk away from it, separating myself from it and feel a thousand times better. And as I'm slowly crawling back out of my former funk perhaps I need that imaginary monster on a rope to help me get through the last remnants of all that I'm trying to leave behind.

Not that I plan on complaining a lot in the blog. I really, honestly hope to recreate the place that I had initially intended it to be; a place for music critique, reviews of things that I have seen or heard or experienced, and recommendations. I'm thinking that the more I do this, the better I'll start feeling. Getting back to my real self again and all that.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who used to read my old blog for all your support and friendship, with a few in particular I'd like to mention:

Emily, thank you for your posts and inquiring about me after the blog went down. You are always a real pleasure to talk to. I always appreciate new Vance sightings!

Wemblee, me oldest online chum, thank you for all the long distance phone calls and taking on the cumbersome burden of keeping my chin up! It is pretty darned heavy, isn't it? :-)

Brett, thank you for taking me out to dinner in Los Angeles last month and being so complimentary about my writing. You're learned opinion matters a whole lot to me, and you're a big reason why I feel like I want to do this again.

Jack, it was such a joy to talk to you for a brief while when I was in L.A., and your flattering words gave me a lot more inspiration to do this again than you may know. You have my deepest respect and love as a devoted fan.

Chris G., thank you for your weekly drop-ins at my work to chat, and for all the mix CDs, all the books you let me borrow, and encouraging me to try this again. You're the swellest.

Erin, you have done nothing but cheer me up with your posts, and I admit sometimes I like to call the TM line just to hear your (recorded) voice again. :-) Hope you'll continue to visit me. And drop by work again soon!

Lee, after 15 years you never fail to make me laugh. You doing your one-man impression of the ending credits to Buckaroo Banzai as you walked past my window at work had me nearly off the ground. I do so love you.

To juliebeth and Maggie, who checked in on me nearly every day. You girls rock my world! If I had even a smidge of either of your music talents I would love to be in a band with both of you.

To all my pals over at the People's Forum music message board, many of you who read my old blog and commented (Dock, Spidra, Greg T., Chana, Austin, Phil F., Phil N. , Elston, Hayden, Leonard, Naz, Jennifer, and more), every single one of you over there mean more to me than I probably get to say. Thank you Hayden for wanting to put one of my old posts in The High Hat. And thank you Phil N. for your incredibly thoughtful egrams. They meant a lot to me.

And to Joe, thank you for shouting at me like a drill sergeant, kicking my ass, slapping my face, then kissing me deeply many, many times. Your constant daily support has helped pulled me out of this and I love you even more for it, if that can be humanly possible.

And the bear, of course. I can never forget the bear.

To everyone else, thanks for tuning in, and hope I don't do anything stupid this time!

M.