I Been Gone For A Minute Now I'm Back At The Jump Off
I just finished watching the DVD to Heavy Metal Parking Lot, which reminded me too much of what my high school looked like in 1986, so it was kind of funny and yet kind of tragic at the same time. Then again I used to listen to Journey so I guess I have no room to talk.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm beginning to feel the lightness in my chest again. A twinkle of the former pressure is still there, but considerably less than it has been. I have one more day of azithromycin to take, and I'm on the last day of my Tussinex. Tomorrow will be the tell-tale day when I know, finally, the worst will be over. Until next year, that is. Unless... eghad... unless...
This means what I think it means. The only time this cough hasn't been this constantly persistent was when I was weighing less, which means that I have to get back on the ball seriously about dropping pounds again and working out. Despite the swimming I've done in the last few days (well not really swimming so much as throwing the Nerf football back and forth with Joe while standing in the pool) and the walking I constantly do at work, I haven't had the breath to exercise to the maximum like I used to do, and... dear God... I cannot bear to be inside this body I have now for another minute. I can feel its decline in health. I hate being inside of me, like I want to claw myself out of a heavy leathery bag that keeps me trapped. And I hate it because I know what I am capable of and this is not what I know I am and more importantly, what I can be. The last few days have been terribly depressing, compounded with the coughing and the constantly drugged-up state and the weight gain. I feel catatonic. I feel blob-like and just taking up valuable space in he universe. And I know I'm better than that. Or at least I have the hubris to think I am.
If my breathing regulates tomorrow, I need to start anew. I can't wallow in futility. It's overwhelming me, but I can't let it. I know what I am capable of. I can be that person again. And I will be.
I've been dancing to this song a lot this evening in my computer room. Something about it makes me feel confident. Maybe I need an anthem for the time being.
The Jump Off - Lil' Kim (m4a file)
Available for 7 days
I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm beginning to feel the lightness in my chest again. A twinkle of the former pressure is still there, but considerably less than it has been. I have one more day of azithromycin to take, and I'm on the last day of my Tussinex. Tomorrow will be the tell-tale day when I know, finally, the worst will be over. Until next year, that is. Unless... eghad... unless...
This means what I think it means. The only time this cough hasn't been this constantly persistent was when I was weighing less, which means that I have to get back on the ball seriously about dropping pounds again and working out. Despite the swimming I've done in the last few days (well not really swimming so much as throwing the Nerf football back and forth with Joe while standing in the pool) and the walking I constantly do at work, I haven't had the breath to exercise to the maximum like I used to do, and... dear God... I cannot bear to be inside this body I have now for another minute. I can feel its decline in health. I hate being inside of me, like I want to claw myself out of a heavy leathery bag that keeps me trapped. And I hate it because I know what I am capable of and this is not what I know I am and more importantly, what I can be. The last few days have been terribly depressing, compounded with the coughing and the constantly drugged-up state and the weight gain. I feel catatonic. I feel blob-like and just taking up valuable space in he universe. And I know I'm better than that. Or at least I have the hubris to think I am.
If my breathing regulates tomorrow, I need to start anew. I can't wallow in futility. It's overwhelming me, but I can't let it. I know what I am capable of. I can be that person again. And I will be.
I've been dancing to this song a lot this evening in my computer room. Something about it makes me feel confident. Maybe I need an anthem for the time being.
The Jump Off - Lil' Kim (m4a file)
Available for 7 days
posted by Melissa at 10:33 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home