Revelations
I suppose I could go on and on about how the company lied to me, telling me that I wasn't being fired, that my position as floor lead was merely "going away", only to have my former full time floor lead position offered to someone else from another department. I could wail over how my boss keeps falsely feeding me encouragement only to do the exact opposite of what he promises underneath the radar. As much as I'm searching for another job, a part of me stuck around on the dim hopes that my boss gave me when he took me aside and told me that he was going to do everything he could to fight to get me full time again. Only to overhear him in his office extolling the virtues and work ethic of the guy from the other department. And the thing is I like that guy from the other department a lot, and I'm actually happy for him, because he and I were in the same demotion position at the same time. But still... why him and not me? Why him, a warehouse worker, and not me, an actually former floor lead with floor experience over the past four years?
I suppose I could say all that, but the fact remains that these kinds of situations are not exactly isolated incidents. This is, in fact, par for the course for my entire career trajectory. Which means it isn't them. It's me.
And the more I think about it, perhaps I really am not meant to be a manager of any kind. I've never been the kind of person who needed to be micro-managed, because once I knew what to do I could blast off and get things done, rarely stopping until I literally dropped. People have often commented on how diligently I work, how sometimes when even everybody else is slacking off I'm willing to pick up that slack and keeping right on running. A few times my managers have even exclaimed "Melissa! For God's sakes, sit down and relax! You don't need to work so hard all the time." But when it comes to a job I love, that's what drives me. I like getting things done, and I like seeing the results of my progress. I've always had a strong work ethic, and it has reflected in my evaluations, which have always been glowing.
But I think my problem lies in two areas:
One: My problem is when I'm working on my own projects, I rarely focus on what everybody else is doing. I am good at multitasking, so long as it is my own work, I am focused and motivated. Being a manager would require me to break away from that focus and observe the progress that everyone else is making, which I have a difficult time doing. If somebody drops something and doesn't notice, I tend to run over and pick it up and keep going, as opposed to shouting "Hey, you dropped something... pick it up!" My former boss, one of the only people in my life who has ever been honest with me concerning my faults, explained to me that it was like having blinders on, and that I get too focused on my own task while not organizing tasks for others. And I think that must be true.
Two: I am deathly antisocial. Not that I want to be. But I am by nature an introvert, and have been with nearly every job I've had. When I start a new job, I want to prove myself so I get to work and don't socialize much, for fear of being accused of slacking off. But as a result I don't connect with anybody, and I have learned in this game you have to make connections, even schmooze, in order to rise in any business. I think I come off as standoffish and rude, because I'm so task focused it takes so much energy to stop, re-focus my attentions on some joke or non-work-related question posed to me to answer in a way that I would if I was just hanging out with friends in a social situation. At least two girls that I work with have told me that they used to be terrified of me the first few weeks there and thought that I hated them, until I found time to loosen up and hang with them during down hours, and now they adore me. There is a balance, and I have not learned that yet. And I think that inability to socialize and make connections at the right times, when I am suppose to, is another factor keeping me back.
I have been trying, though. I go to every party outside of the store that I am invited to, more to prove that I'm not the anti-social terror they might perceive me to be. I am considerably older than most of my associates, which may have something to do with it a well. I really, really like every single person I work with. I can imagine they probably can't tell that just by the way I'm acting most of the time.
I am working on the blinders thing. And being more social. But being that none of this comes naturally to me, perhaps they all can tell how much of a struggle it is, and that repels them. By nature I do my grunt work, try not to bother the upper management with too many niggling issues, and pretty much just keep to myself. Not very good manager material, am I?
Ultimately it probably all comes down to money in the end. I make chicken feed, so it stands to reason I stay down with the chickens. To promote me would mean a raise, especially considering that I was told that I had a rave review on my evaluation, which is supposed to follow up with a raise, at least in previous years. The other guy probably makes a lot more money than I do. Because heck, everybody there makes more money than I do. They even hire people straight off the street for more starting pay than what I make after four years with the company, and almost twenty years in the industry. At this rate I'm going to be demoted to the creepy old lady janitor that comes in to swab the toilets once a week and grumbles under her foul whiskey-soaked breath about All The Goddamn Kids These Days. I already feel as if I'm one whiskey shot away from that already.
I've had a lifetime of issues involving people taking easy advantage of me. But that isn't their problem. It's mine. When I leave this company -- and I shall -- I have to embark on a whole other approach to my work ethic, as well as my own personal antisocial issues. I have a lot of fears to overcome, and a lot of self doubt and loathing to conquer. It's been holding me back for as long as I can remember, and I'm finally getting angry about it. Angry at myself for allowing myself to drift with this debilitating affliction from job to job and never moving upwards or forward, and if I don't do something about it soon, I will forever have nowhere else to go but wherever the hell I stand right now.
I suppose I could say all that, but the fact remains that these kinds of situations are not exactly isolated incidents. This is, in fact, par for the course for my entire career trajectory. Which means it isn't them. It's me.
And the more I think about it, perhaps I really am not meant to be a manager of any kind. I've never been the kind of person who needed to be micro-managed, because once I knew what to do I could blast off and get things done, rarely stopping until I literally dropped. People have often commented on how diligently I work, how sometimes when even everybody else is slacking off I'm willing to pick up that slack and keeping right on running. A few times my managers have even exclaimed "Melissa! For God's sakes, sit down and relax! You don't need to work so hard all the time." But when it comes to a job I love, that's what drives me. I like getting things done, and I like seeing the results of my progress. I've always had a strong work ethic, and it has reflected in my evaluations, which have always been glowing.
But I think my problem lies in two areas:
One: My problem is when I'm working on my own projects, I rarely focus on what everybody else is doing. I am good at multitasking, so long as it is my own work, I am focused and motivated. Being a manager would require me to break away from that focus and observe the progress that everyone else is making, which I have a difficult time doing. If somebody drops something and doesn't notice, I tend to run over and pick it up and keep going, as opposed to shouting "Hey, you dropped something... pick it up!" My former boss, one of the only people in my life who has ever been honest with me concerning my faults, explained to me that it was like having blinders on, and that I get too focused on my own task while not organizing tasks for others. And I think that must be true.
Two: I am deathly antisocial. Not that I want to be. But I am by nature an introvert, and have been with nearly every job I've had. When I start a new job, I want to prove myself so I get to work and don't socialize much, for fear of being accused of slacking off. But as a result I don't connect with anybody, and I have learned in this game you have to make connections, even schmooze, in order to rise in any business. I think I come off as standoffish and rude, because I'm so task focused it takes so much energy to stop, re-focus my attentions on some joke or non-work-related question posed to me to answer in a way that I would if I was just hanging out with friends in a social situation. At least two girls that I work with have told me that they used to be terrified of me the first few weeks there and thought that I hated them, until I found time to loosen up and hang with them during down hours, and now they adore me. There is a balance, and I have not learned that yet. And I think that inability to socialize and make connections at the right times, when I am suppose to, is another factor keeping me back.
I have been trying, though. I go to every party outside of the store that I am invited to, more to prove that I'm not the anti-social terror they might perceive me to be. I am considerably older than most of my associates, which may have something to do with it a well. I really, really like every single person I work with. I can imagine they probably can't tell that just by the way I'm acting most of the time.
I am working on the blinders thing. And being more social. But being that none of this comes naturally to me, perhaps they all can tell how much of a struggle it is, and that repels them. By nature I do my grunt work, try not to bother the upper management with too many niggling issues, and pretty much just keep to myself. Not very good manager material, am I?
Ultimately it probably all comes down to money in the end. I make chicken feed, so it stands to reason I stay down with the chickens. To promote me would mean a raise, especially considering that I was told that I had a rave review on my evaluation, which is supposed to follow up with a raise, at least in previous years. The other guy probably makes a lot more money than I do. Because heck, everybody there makes more money than I do. They even hire people straight off the street for more starting pay than what I make after four years with the company, and almost twenty years in the industry. At this rate I'm going to be demoted to the creepy old lady janitor that comes in to swab the toilets once a week and grumbles under her foul whiskey-soaked breath about All The Goddamn Kids These Days. I already feel as if I'm one whiskey shot away from that already.
I've had a lifetime of issues involving people taking easy advantage of me. But that isn't their problem. It's mine. When I leave this company -- and I shall -- I have to embark on a whole other approach to my work ethic, as well as my own personal antisocial issues. I have a lot of fears to overcome, and a lot of self doubt and loathing to conquer. It's been holding me back for as long as I can remember, and I'm finally getting angry about it. Angry at myself for allowing myself to drift with this debilitating affliction from job to job and never moving upwards or forward, and if I don't do something about it soon, I will forever have nowhere else to go but wherever the hell I stand right now.
posted by Melissa at 4:24 PM
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