Grand Gestures
How can it be that realizing how good you have it can be one of the worst feelings in the world?
Yesterday I learned that my friend and long-time realtor Tom is in the hospital in a coma after choking and collapsing in his office. Today at work I wait for another friend of mine to arrive so I can give her the news about Tom, only to find myself comforting her as soon as she walked through the door because two minutes before she just found out that her sister is dying of cancer.
Every single one of my friends is going through some of the hardest situations in their lives at this moment. Some of it is financial. Many are going through devastating relationship problems. Others, it's their health. And several of my family these days have seen sunnier days in that department as well.
Is it revolting of me to say that I feel horribly guilty for having so many positive things in my life right at this moment? That despite some of my own financial issues and some general stress-related issues following my new move, my life isn't all that bad in comparison?
If it is, don't be bashful about telling me. I've been trying to sort out these feelings for months and I can really use the refreshingly bracing slap in the face of truth right about now.
The guilt comes from feeling helpless. Wishing so hard to possess the ability to just wave my hands over my friends and make their pains and heartaches go away. I mentioned some time ago that I have developed a hypersensitivily to suffering on television and film. But that sensitivity stems mostly from the pain I feel witnessing the suffering of real people in their everyday lives. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with the heady desire to soak up and absorb all the pain and unhappiness and suffering of all these people just so that they wouldn't have to suffer another minute more. Shit. Not like there aren't enough annoyingly Christlike wannabees out there martyring themselves really just to alleviate their own suffering. Is there really such a thing as true altruism, when you're giving yourself selflessly to others only because it really makes you feel better, more so than anyone else?
Does that make me appallingly selfish?
Right this minute all I want to do is gather all my friends and hold them as close as possible. I want to kiss every last one of their faces and crush them to me tightly and tell them how much I wish I could be so much more help to them. Blast my fucking shyness. If I wasn't such a social wallflower I could do so much more. Tell them how much I care. Make so much more of a difference than just crying at my keyboard while blogging. Fucking blogging. What good has that ever done anyone?
I'm just so sorry, you guys. Every last one of you out there.
I just love you.
Yesterday I learned that my friend and long-time realtor Tom is in the hospital in a coma after choking and collapsing in his office. Today at work I wait for another friend of mine to arrive so I can give her the news about Tom, only to find myself comforting her as soon as she walked through the door because two minutes before she just found out that her sister is dying of cancer.
Every single one of my friends is going through some of the hardest situations in their lives at this moment. Some of it is financial. Many are going through devastating relationship problems. Others, it's their health. And several of my family these days have seen sunnier days in that department as well.
Is it revolting of me to say that I feel horribly guilty for having so many positive things in my life right at this moment? That despite some of my own financial issues and some general stress-related issues following my new move, my life isn't all that bad in comparison?
If it is, don't be bashful about telling me. I've been trying to sort out these feelings for months and I can really use the refreshingly bracing slap in the face of truth right about now.
The guilt comes from feeling helpless. Wishing so hard to possess the ability to just wave my hands over my friends and make their pains and heartaches go away. I mentioned some time ago that I have developed a hypersensitivily to suffering on television and film. But that sensitivity stems mostly from the pain I feel witnessing the suffering of real people in their everyday lives. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with the heady desire to soak up and absorb all the pain and unhappiness and suffering of all these people just so that they wouldn't have to suffer another minute more. Shit. Not like there aren't enough annoyingly Christlike wannabees out there martyring themselves really just to alleviate their own suffering. Is there really such a thing as true altruism, when you're giving yourself selflessly to others only because it really makes you feel better, more so than anyone else?
Does that make me appallingly selfish?
Right this minute all I want to do is gather all my friends and hold them as close as possible. I want to kiss every last one of their faces and crush them to me tightly and tell them how much I wish I could be so much more help to them. Blast my fucking shyness. If I wasn't such a social wallflower I could do so much more. Tell them how much I care. Make so much more of a difference than just crying at my keyboard while blogging. Fucking blogging. What good has that ever done anyone?
I'm just so sorry, you guys. Every last one of you out there.
I just love you.
posted by Melissa at 8:47 PM
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