She's Wreckless

I've had this scary premonition that something, uh, might happen to me in the near future. Like a heart attack, perhaps.

I know that sounds alarmist, but I do have high blood pressure -- or at least I'm pretty sure I do, and so does my doctor but I haven't gone back to see her about getting on blood pressure medicine. And nearly once a day I get this quick, unnerving flutter in my chest that feels as if my tickers about to putter out, and I take a deep, slow breath, and it passes. And tonight at work it just felt a little.... painful. Not terribly so, but enough to be noticeable. I was extremely out of breath all night, and not even from running around like I usually do. Just standing there talking, I had to take several deep breaths in between nearly every sentence. Then again it could be the cough.

I suppose if something does happen I have nobody to blame but myself. Trying to lose weight isn't the same as losing, and I am surrounded my obstacles from all sides. I wish I could go somewhere for several months. Just get away from Joe and my family and friends and co-workers and everybody that puts temptation in my path. And of course they don't mean to. They're just living their lives. It's my life I have to fix. I just don't know if I have the strength I once had a few years ago. Or rather, I know I do, but I just can't access that strength like I once was able. I have to figure things out. Because my body can't warn me any more than it already has.