Decisions

I'm going to have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning. I just don't know what else to do about my pains. I was convinced that I was having a hard time with the cacao powder, so I cut that out of my diet. But I'm still sick every single day, in some form or fashion. The last two days I ate cooked, not-at-all-healthy food, just to see if my body would stop killing me because I wasn't forcing harsh, cruciferous vegetation into my intestines for 48 hours, and although it levelled off a touch, the ache still never completely, 100% went away. I was in agony all night at work, but after 3 Aleves and a thoroughly disgusting #2 Value Meal at McDonald's, my body has stopped eating me from the inside out. And I don't know what to do about it.

If I can't eat healthy food, how am I going to get healthy? I can't go back to eating trash again, and no doctor in their right mind would advise that anyway. But I'm going to Texas this week. Joe's sister's family is planning a huge feast for us Sunday night, and Randy is taking us out to some of the best eateries in Austin. I don't know how I'm going to survive all that. I'm terrified to put anything near my mouth as it is. I'm scared of the queasy plane ride. I'm scared of spending every day and night in Austin moaning in a fetal position in my hotel room. I'm scared that I won't be able to not stay five steps away from a toilet at all times. I'm just... scared of all that, I guess.

Worst of all, I'm feeling like an utter failure. I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself. I loved every minute of feeling healthy and strong and awake, of losing weight and obsessing over new recipes and shopping at the Heritage and just really enjoying myself for a change. And God, that greasy fast food felt so hideous sliding down my throat, like a salty slug. I can't eat junk food. And now, I can't eat healthy food. I... Christ. I need to go to bed before I start crying.

Shit, too late.