In The Belly Of The Bitch
Nervous about my colonoscopy next week. I mean I realize it's routine, and both my parents have had them recently. I just ugh... really want it over with already. I want this whole issue with my stomach or colon or whatever the hell is killing me to be resolved in some fashion. The truly scary thing is, I fear, that it never will be resolved. That this probably will be my life, and time to suck it up from here on out. My mother has chronic, permanent cystitis. And although she's done everything the doctors know what to do for such a condition, and they keep telling her vaguely encouraging things, ultimately there is nothing they can do for her. That's my biggest worry. That I'm pretty much stuck with it.
The good news is that I haven't had any chronic attacks in several days. I went for awhile with no attacks, like four or even five days, and then one day I decided to risk some fruit for breakfast. Last time I ate papaya it tore me in half. I had two small papayas for breakfast, and I guess I felt alright, But still being a little hungry, about three hours later I heated up a bowl of Annie's Chun's miso soup, which I have had several times before... and my stomach instantly started to kick in. So it makes me wonder, maybe it's not one thing that hurts my stomach, but a certain combination of things. A few days later I ate six roasted brussel sprouts from The Heritage, and then a few minutes later grabbed a cup of espresso, and that beat me the hell up too. Naturally not a good combination no matter what the circumstances. But when I drink coffee with my brunch group every now and then I'm always perfectly okeydoke. Maybe it's the Starbucks crap. Maybe it was espresso. Maybe it was the combination of vegetables and espresso. That's just it. I just don't know. And the HyoMax that I've been taking four times a day only seems to make me sleepy. I really don't think it's helping, to be honest. But I take it every day, like some kind of psychosomatic panacea, because I feel like I need to cling to... something.
What I do know is that my fear of healthy food hurting me has caused me to eat nothing but garbage, aaaand to gain pretty much all the weight back that I lost. It's really so, so hard for me to get back into that zone once I'm out of it, and it's pretty darn crushing. And at this point I don't even know what I can do to improve things until I know what's wrong with me. I just hate being trapped in this body another second. Having been healthy once, and now not... Jesus, I have absolutely no room to say something like this, but it's like having suddenly lost the use of your limbs. And that sounds so self-centered, doesn't it? Especially since I have a friend who actually did lose the use of his legs in a car accident and he goes through life without complaint. And I'm sure if he could have any wish in the world he could have the ability to walk again. And I have the ability. I even have the ability to improve the way I walk. I have no room to complain, no matter how subjective our situations tend to be.
Must get ready for another follow-up with the doctor. Christ, I'll have to keep my eyes closed when I step on the scale.
The good news is that I haven't had any chronic attacks in several days. I went for awhile with no attacks, like four or even five days, and then one day I decided to risk some fruit for breakfast. Last time I ate papaya it tore me in half. I had two small papayas for breakfast, and I guess I felt alright, But still being a little hungry, about three hours later I heated up a bowl of Annie's Chun's miso soup, which I have had several times before... and my stomach instantly started to kick in. So it makes me wonder, maybe it's not one thing that hurts my stomach, but a certain combination of things. A few days later I ate six roasted brussel sprouts from The Heritage, and then a few minutes later grabbed a cup of espresso, and that beat me the hell up too. Naturally not a good combination no matter what the circumstances. But when I drink coffee with my brunch group every now and then I'm always perfectly okeydoke. Maybe it's the Starbucks crap. Maybe it was espresso. Maybe it was the combination of vegetables and espresso. That's just it. I just don't know. And the HyoMax that I've been taking four times a day only seems to make me sleepy. I really don't think it's helping, to be honest. But I take it every day, like some kind of psychosomatic panacea, because I feel like I need to cling to... something.
What I do know is that my fear of healthy food hurting me has caused me to eat nothing but garbage, aaaand to gain pretty much all the weight back that I lost. It's really so, so hard for me to get back into that zone once I'm out of it, and it's pretty darn crushing. And at this point I don't even know what I can do to improve things until I know what's wrong with me. I just hate being trapped in this body another second. Having been healthy once, and now not... Jesus, I have absolutely no room to say something like this, but it's like having suddenly lost the use of your limbs. And that sounds so self-centered, doesn't it? Especially since I have a friend who actually did lose the use of his legs in a car accident and he goes through life without complaint. And I'm sure if he could have any wish in the world he could have the ability to walk again. And I have the ability. I even have the ability to improve the way I walk. I have no room to complain, no matter how subjective our situations tend to be.
Must get ready for another follow-up with the doctor. Christ, I'll have to keep my eyes closed when I step on the scale.
posted by Melissa at 11:21 AM
2 Comments:
It was the vegetables + the espresso that tore you up that time. I know from experience.
Yeah, that really wasn't a very good combination, I admit. But I just had the same roasted brussel sprouts for lunch today and I feel fine. No coffee for me today. I'm convinced it's the espresso, or at least it was that day.
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