Nothing New To See Here, Folks

I wish I knew where to turn, to get back in the zone again. My body, my health... everything feel so broken. I'm doing that "blackout" thing again like I did when I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon where I'd sort of mentally black out for a moment in a moment of stress and come to eating something that I would normally never put in my mouth, like a candy bar from the vending machine at work. Not even remembering putting the money in the machine or anything. I've gained so much weight since I got those stomach pains when fruits and veggies were hurting me so badly. I feel trapped in a cage, screaming my head off. My blood pressure is critical. My doctor thinks that I'm prime for a heart attack. Jesus Christ... I tried so hard. Every word out of her mouth makes me feel like a failure. I didn't want to go out to brunch today. Didn't want my friends to see the failure that I feel like inside. I know that's deeply self-conscious, but it's amazing how much one feels on the inside can reflect on the outside without our knowing.

I guess I need moments like these, on my blog, to encourage myself, because there isn't anything else in my life to turn to for help. Days like these I wish I could just go live in the woods or the mountains, alone, with no phones or internet or anything to keep me sedentary. And just hike every day. Swim in the lakes. Eat clean fruits and vegetables. Fish from the stream. Drink fresh spring water. Feel healthy. Feel alive. Feel like I can move my arms and legs before I get to where I can't anymore.

Sorry. Just gotta re-group. These thing happen.