Not Safe At For Work
I got a call at work today. A man was on the other line.
"Do you sell porn?" He asked.
"Yes, we have some adult DVDs." I answered (Actually what we have is more Girls Gone Wild and some Vivid titles, but nothing XXX).
"Well, YOU SOLD PORN TO MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON!!"
I'm sure my eyes widened. There's no way this could have happened. We ask for I.D. religiously in our store, and anyone buying an adult DVD has a prompt on the register monitor that won't let you pass it until you've checked a customer's I.D.
"Sir, does your son still have the receipt?" I asked?
"NO!" He bellowed. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SELL MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON PORN??"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I didn't sell your son porn. Are you sure it was this location?"
"YES!! Well... yes, that what he said. I CAUGHT HIM JERKIN' IT IN MY OWN BED! To the movie YOU SOLD HIM! MY BEDSHEETS WERE SOAKED AND EVERYTHING!"
"Oh. My." I said, trying to hold back my laughter.
"But you know," snorts the man, sounding almost lecherous, "I think I'm actually gonna keep this video. I RATHER LIKE IT!"
At this point it took every ounce of my being not to lose it. Holding the phone away from my head as far as it would go, I laughed so hard into my own hand I was bent at the waist, knees buckling.
"Hell-OOOO??!!!" He bellowed from the receiver, and I had to put the phone back against my ear, pursing my lips together tightly so as not to bleat hard into his ear.
"I'm sorry sir, I am still here."
"So how the fuck do I get my money back?"
"Well sir, what we can do is if you can get your son to track down the receipt, we can see what cashier's name is on it, and we can reimburse you..."
"I just said I DON'T HAVE THE RECEIPT! WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?"
Of course he does not have a receipt. That's because his lil' pumpkin probably stole it from our store, no doubt. But it's not like the boy's gonna admit to stealing when he's lying there on his dad's bed, crank in hand, sheets, er... soaked, and a crazy, bloviating bumpkin of a father hovering over him.
Trying to get this hysterical mental image out of my mind before I lose it again, I puff myself up and state firmly, "Sir, your son must therefore somehow procure that receipt and you must bring it into our store with the product, otherwise we have no evidence whatsoever that your son actually bought the DVD from our store." I thought of mentioning that his underage son shouldn't have been in our store without parental supervision, and that I considered his language with me filthy and perverse and I won't stand for another minute of it. But I thought twice about escalating things any further.
"Well then FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUU!" And he slams the phone down. Apparently it wouldn't have made a difference after all if I did.
Okay, so tell me. Does that sound like a legitimate complaint call to you? Or someone perhaps making up a story in order to talk dirty to a random girl at a music store? He partially sounds truly outraged at moments. But then you need to hear his tone of voice when he was describing what his son did in the bedroom. And how he also watched the video too and rather enjoyed it. A tone somewhere between trying to shock me, and getting kind of turned on by the subject at hand. There were moments when I was actually listening in the background for other people giggling, thinking that I might be getting a prank call. I got my share of obscene phone calls when I worked in the call center at Ticketmaster years ago. Just random people willing to wait on hold until some female picks up the line. It also reminded me of those letters that men often write to Dan Savage's "Savage Love" column where guys ostensibly write it for advice about how when they masturbate they ejaculate all over the room like a firehose and oh whatever shall I do about this, and Dan refuses to answer them because it's obvious to the reader and to Dan himself that the whole thing was just an excuse to either brag or get off on the thrill writing something like that to an advice column and have other people out there reading it. Maybe he didn't anticipate me being so cavalier about the porn, or the saucy talk, so he tried to amp it up a little in an attempt to rattle me. That seems more likely than anything else, I suppose.
All I know is that I immediately ran to tell Miranda every sordid little detail and she nearly fell over herself. "Damn, why do you ALWAYS get the best phone calls?!" she said. Sigh. Damn if I'll ever know.
"Do you sell porn?" He asked.
"Yes, we have some adult DVDs." I answered (Actually what we have is more Girls Gone Wild and some Vivid titles, but nothing XXX).
"Well, YOU SOLD PORN TO MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON!!"
I'm sure my eyes widened. There's no way this could have happened. We ask for I.D. religiously in our store, and anyone buying an adult DVD has a prompt on the register monitor that won't let you pass it until you've checked a customer's I.D.
"Sir, does your son still have the receipt?" I asked?
"NO!" He bellowed. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SELL MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON PORN??"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I didn't sell your son porn. Are you sure it was this location?"
"YES!! Well... yes, that what he said. I CAUGHT HIM JERKIN' IT IN MY OWN BED! To the movie YOU SOLD HIM! MY BEDSHEETS WERE SOAKED AND EVERYTHING!"
"Oh. My." I said, trying to hold back my laughter.
"But you know," snorts the man, sounding almost lecherous, "I think I'm actually gonna keep this video. I RATHER LIKE IT!"
At this point it took every ounce of my being not to lose it. Holding the phone away from my head as far as it would go, I laughed so hard into my own hand I was bent at the waist, knees buckling.
"Hell-OOOO??!!!" He bellowed from the receiver, and I had to put the phone back against my ear, pursing my lips together tightly so as not to bleat hard into his ear.
"I'm sorry sir, I am still here."
"So how the fuck do I get my money back?"
"Well sir, what we can do is if you can get your son to track down the receipt, we can see what cashier's name is on it, and we can reimburse you..."
"I just said I DON'T HAVE THE RECEIPT! WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?"
Of course he does not have a receipt. That's because his lil' pumpkin probably stole it from our store, no doubt. But it's not like the boy's gonna admit to stealing when he's lying there on his dad's bed, crank in hand, sheets, er... soaked, and a crazy, bloviating bumpkin of a father hovering over him.
Trying to get this hysterical mental image out of my mind before I lose it again, I puff myself up and state firmly, "Sir, your son must therefore somehow procure that receipt and you must bring it into our store with the product, otherwise we have no evidence whatsoever that your son actually bought the DVD from our store." I thought of mentioning that his underage son shouldn't have been in our store without parental supervision, and that I considered his language with me filthy and perverse and I won't stand for another minute of it. But I thought twice about escalating things any further.
"Well then FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUU!" And he slams the phone down. Apparently it wouldn't have made a difference after all if I did.
Okay, so tell me. Does that sound like a legitimate complaint call to you? Or someone perhaps making up a story in order to talk dirty to a random girl at a music store? He partially sounds truly outraged at moments. But then you need to hear his tone of voice when he was describing what his son did in the bedroom. And how he also watched the video too and rather enjoyed it. A tone somewhere between trying to shock me, and getting kind of turned on by the subject at hand. There were moments when I was actually listening in the background for other people giggling, thinking that I might be getting a prank call. I got my share of obscene phone calls when I worked in the call center at Ticketmaster years ago. Just random people willing to wait on hold until some female picks up the line. It also reminded me of those letters that men often write to Dan Savage's "Savage Love" column where guys ostensibly write it for advice about how when they masturbate they ejaculate all over the room like a firehose and oh whatever shall I do about this, and Dan refuses to answer them because it's obvious to the reader and to Dan himself that the whole thing was just an excuse to either brag or get off on the thrill writing something like that to an advice column and have other people out there reading it. Maybe he didn't anticipate me being so cavalier about the porn, or the saucy talk, so he tried to amp it up a little in an attempt to rattle me. That seems more likely than anything else, I suppose.
All I know is that I immediately ran to tell Miranda every sordid little detail and she nearly fell over herself. "Damn, why do you ALWAYS get the best phone calls?!" she said. Sigh. Damn if I'll ever know.
posted by Melissa at 6:20 PM
3 Comments:
My dear, a humorous call - yes, but 100% FAKE. Let me put on my Sherlock Holmes cap and light up my pipe as we dissect:
1. No dad is going to be that crazed at stumbling upon his son jerkin it unless he is perhaps a religious nut - but no relegious nut will throw "fuck" around like this fella and say he wants to keep the vid.
2. No 13 year old is gonna jack in his dad's bed
3. The dad says he caught him jerkin, but the sheets were soaked...so did he walk in on the firehose of a cum shot that soaked the sheets? (okay, maybe it was round 2...or 7...ah to be 13 again)
4. Don't all kids just jerk to computer porn these days? Christ, I remember being 13 and dumpster diving in my parents condo development...found two boxes of auto magazines and mixed in was a Playboy...Morris Day could not have done "The Jerk" in concert more times than I did to that mag in the coming (bad pun intended) months
Nah...what you got here is an ill-planned prank call - decent premise I'll say, but he needed to stay on target to make it more believable. You can't go from pissed off at the son, to perverse I'm gonna keep it, to then saying how can I get my money back (once you mentioned the receipt his outraged changed from the selling of the item to his minor son to how the hell do I get cash for this).
Oh these amateurs...if he calls back, tell him to listen to some Jerky Boys and try again in a few months!
Ahahahahahahhahaah, oh my GOD.
I think it's probably fake, but I WISH it were real.
*hugs you* You're the best.
Man, I hope you two are right! Because I'd be horrified if I were laughing at a legitimate complaint. Oh heck, who am I kidding? That shit's funny.
And I tend to think it could be fake, but my God, you have no idea what some people will say when they are really bent out of shape. Never underestimate the wackadoo magnet that my store is famous for!
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