Meeting In The Ladies Room
Okay, fellas. Girl talk here for a sec. Go ahead and turn up the volume on the football game if you're not interested. I'll be back to your regularly scheduled musical snoozefest by next post, I promise.
So. The doctor visit yesterday. I can do one, or all three of the following:
Get me one of these. Which I just did a few minutes ago. Sleeping or relaxing with it around the house should help with the pains. Or so she claims. I pretty much thought that my pain was attributed to the fact that I was wearing a bra, since the pain comes from the moment when I remove the bra at the end of the day. But we'll see, won't we.
I could have myofascial chest wall pain. Due to my rounded shoulders and heavy breasts I have a slightly slumped posture and physical therapy might fix that. However, it's possible that I might not have that at all (I am always careful to walk and stand with my shoulders back and keep my posture ramrod straight) , and therapy could be very long and insurance will likely not cover it. So, uh, nope.
Or I could DING-DING-DING!... have breast reduction surgery. Of which she says I am a perfect candidate. So finally, a sound medical recommendation! But after speaking with Claire, my plastic surgeon, one of the best in the state (second photo, woman on left) I learned that I still need to keep going to the doctor for the next 6 months to a year to convince the insurance company that my pains are ongoing and that I've tried every possible option before resorting to surgery. So despite the recommendation I still need to keep up this silly semi-charade for the benefit of the people that I pay out the whazoo every month to take care of situations like this.
Or there's a fourth option -- one that that only I've considered, and that's just bypassing all the red tape hooey, going into the kitchen right now, getting one of those plastic picnic knives, laying down some newspaper, and with a bottle of whiskey on hand perform a little frontier medicine of my own (frankly I don't know why I haven't thought of this sooner). Heck, after years of art classes and practically being born with a silver X-acto knife in my mouth I wonder if I could make a perfect incision, remove the tissue, raise the nipple, and mold myself a couple of ducky little C-cups without making a bloody hash of the whole thing. I'm sure there are a number of informative step-by-step websites out there that I can follow along.
I guess I'm going for the bra option for now. But I gotta tell ya my idea is starting to look better and better over time.
So. The doctor visit yesterday. I can do one, or all three of the following:
Get me one of these. Which I just did a few minutes ago. Sleeping or relaxing with it around the house should help with the pains. Or so she claims. I pretty much thought that my pain was attributed to the fact that I was wearing a bra, since the pain comes from the moment when I remove the bra at the end of the day. But we'll see, won't we.
I could have myofascial chest wall pain. Due to my rounded shoulders and heavy breasts I have a slightly slumped posture and physical therapy might fix that. However, it's possible that I might not have that at all (I am always careful to walk and stand with my shoulders back and keep my posture ramrod straight) , and therapy could be very long and insurance will likely not cover it. So, uh, nope.
Or I could DING-DING-DING!... have breast reduction surgery. Of which she says I am a perfect candidate. So finally, a sound medical recommendation! But after speaking with Claire, my plastic surgeon, one of the best in the state (second photo, woman on left) I learned that I still need to keep going to the doctor for the next 6 months to a year to convince the insurance company that my pains are ongoing and that I've tried every possible option before resorting to surgery. So despite the recommendation I still need to keep up this silly semi-charade for the benefit of the people that I pay out the whazoo every month to take care of situations like this.
Or there's a fourth option -- one that that only I've considered, and that's just bypassing all the red tape hooey, going into the kitchen right now, getting one of those plastic picnic knives, laying down some newspaper, and with a bottle of whiskey on hand perform a little frontier medicine of my own (frankly I don't know why I haven't thought of this sooner). Heck, after years of art classes and practically being born with a silver X-acto knife in my mouth I wonder if I could make a perfect incision, remove the tissue, raise the nipple, and mold myself a couple of ducky little C-cups without making a bloody hash of the whole thing. I'm sure there are a number of informative step-by-step websites out there that I can follow along.
I guess I'm going for the bra option for now. But I gotta tell ya my idea is starting to look better and better over time.
posted by Melissa at 1:05 PM
10 Comments:
Your last option reminds me of that time on Simpsons when Santas Little Helper needed surgery and Homer got a book on performing your own dog surgery.
I feel like getting one of the blunt* syringes from thoe fill your own ink cartridge kids sometimes and trying to get out the cyst like thing in my right breast sometimes.
*=yeah they come blunt, I guess I would be doing a lot of digging in my skin first.
I once (stupidly) pierced my own left nipple. It went fine, but not, uh, entirely smoothly. And it hurt like hell. And the blood is much more distracting than you anticipate. So...I'd recommend sticking it out.
Glad you have a health professional who takes you seriously!
Ahhhh! Ew-ew-ew-ew.
Anita you really need to get that checked out. You've had it for, what a year now? You're growing a third boobie!
Randy I hear that nipple piercings are really painful in general. Plus I just can't fathom the sight of bloody pumping out of my poor lil' nubbins like that. Did your heal okay? I hear they take a really long time to heal, and some folks I know say theirs have never fully healed.
Randy: OW! OW! OUCH!!!!!
Mel, Ariel swears by her BR surgery. It's a crime that boner pills are covered but BR isn't.
Melp I just don't want you to Bobbilet yourself
cuz my CPR classes were years and years ago
and the double standard sux more cuz boner pills are covered but results of boner pills aren't(birth control)
What's even more annoying is that I have to take birth control for other reasons besides preventing pregnancy. One, to regulate my periods because I don't ovulate. And two, I have ovarian cysts and the estrogen keeps them under control. And my insurance *still* doesn't pay even a fraction of it. I'm all for supporting men with erectile disfunction, but why is getting a boner at 70 a greater medical concern than ovarian cysts?
I have heard nothing but great feedback from women who have had BR surgery, and that really helps set my mind at ease. I think my biggest fear was wondering how much I'd change after they were gone. Ever since I was 12 years old I have identified with my huge chest and have learned to manuever through life making adjustments for them. I know this sounds daffy, but I kept wondering if I would suffer some kind of identity crisis after they were gone. Feeling like I was missing an arm. Or the time years ago when I lost too much weight and didn't feel quite so "solid" and strong anymore -- like an important part of me had flaked aay and fell off.
>>Anita you really need to get that checked out. You've had it for, what a year now? You're growing a third boobie!
<<
I've had it since 2001-ish. I don't have insurance right now anyway.
C cups?? you WANT a C cup? good lord woman what are you now???
-emily
ps. i am morbidly in shock because i have an a cup...just in case you were wondering.
Hey at this point an A-cup will do just nicely. It's just that suegeons don't advise large breasted women to go down so many sizes so drastically. Otherwise I'd almost consider removing them completely, but my bf would probably protest too much. ;-)
I generally wear a DDD-cup off the racks, but I'm probably more like an F-cup if I special ordered them. The DDD-cups are a little too small for me bt they function sufficiently.
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