Girl The Earth Talks To
I wish I knew why I am so stressed these days.
Nothing feels real to me. It's as if my hand passes through everything I touch. As much as I love my new house, I don't feel as if I'm home yet. Like I'm on a vacation that may end any minute now. That it's all too good to be true.
I hate the physical carriage of my body. I know, people keep telling me I don't look like I've gained any weight, but I can feel it on every fraction of my frame. And I hate obsessing over it, but going backwards as I have after all the hard work I've done in the last 3 years is really seriously bringing me down. It's not the fear of gaining weight back. It's the fear of losing control. It all amounts to me not having the control over my life that I used to. And as much as the motivation still thrives within me, I cave under stress so easily these days, and that's not what I normally do. It's an everyday reminder of what a failure I'm becoming, after nearing so close to my goal.
I got a promotion at work. The one I've been waiting for. And yet I feel more under pressure than ever to perform. The thing is, the stock in my area of profession isn't exactly on the rise these days. CD/DVD stores all over the country are losing sales, as I'm sure most of you can already guess, and the heat is on to either upsale as much as possible or come up with more creative ways to sell more product (although preferably not to the expense of the mega-parent company or, y'know, actually dropping prices or anything, of course). But I've been there. Done that. Why should it be bothering me now, though?
Folks tell me that I've been through a lot over the last few months, what with the high-stress move, my friend dying, then my grandmother, and now the pressure of being possibly made a manager, among other things. Being in debt. Losing some friendships. And I suppose that's true and all. Maybe I do need a vacation. Some time to myself to deal with all the situations that have been flung my way. But I'm afraid that my vacations will end up being much like my days off, lonely and depressed and not wanting to climb out of bed. At least at work I don't have time to worrying about stress, as I am most often already in the thick of it as it is.
I'd love to go somewhere. Nothing clears my head quite so thoroughly than being as far away from wherever I am at the moment while I'm stressing out. The trip I took to L.A. last year during that difficult period was the most rejuvenated experience I have had in awhile. Hanging out with darling Brett, and getting to see the immensely talented and (purr!) dashing Jack Stehlin in The Misanthrope. I just don't have funds for that kind of thing right now. I really wanted to go to the Vision Festival in New York this summer, too. I suppose that might still be workable, as it is less expensive than a week-long trip to Cali. Airfare and a room at the Malibu could be in my budget range, possibly. Or better yet crash at David's, although his teeny place in the lower east side is already stacked to the ceiling with bodies as it is.
In the last few months since I've moved I have regained contact with my old friend Khaled from Morocco, whom I haven't spoken to since I was in Casablanca almost 9 years ago. He's in the process of starting his own business venture and he's curious if I'd like in on some commission work on the side. He's eager for me to come back to Casablanca so that he can show me around the rest of his country -- Fez, Marrakesh, Tangier. Ride along the beaches. Head out into the Sahara. Climb the snow-capped mountains. Man, I can't tell you how seductive that all sounds right about now. But again, still out of my price range. In debt as I am, a stick of gum is out of my friggin' price range. But I suppose a girl can dream. Or "houlm", as Khaled as taught me in Arabic.
I just need strength. And maybe time. I'm just impatient, I guess. I'm not a control freak. I don't demand perfection. I'm one of the most laid-back individuals you will probably ever meet. I just want some peace of mind again. Not feel as if the floor is giving way beneath me. I think that's what I'm lacking right now: Stability.
Sorry for unloading , guys. But you know, monster on a rope and all that.
Nothing feels real to me. It's as if my hand passes through everything I touch. As much as I love my new house, I don't feel as if I'm home yet. Like I'm on a vacation that may end any minute now. That it's all too good to be true.
I hate the physical carriage of my body. I know, people keep telling me I don't look like I've gained any weight, but I can feel it on every fraction of my frame. And I hate obsessing over it, but going backwards as I have after all the hard work I've done in the last 3 years is really seriously bringing me down. It's not the fear of gaining weight back. It's the fear of losing control. It all amounts to me not having the control over my life that I used to. And as much as the motivation still thrives within me, I cave under stress so easily these days, and that's not what I normally do. It's an everyday reminder of what a failure I'm becoming, after nearing so close to my goal.
I got a promotion at work. The one I've been waiting for. And yet I feel more under pressure than ever to perform. The thing is, the stock in my area of profession isn't exactly on the rise these days. CD/DVD stores all over the country are losing sales, as I'm sure most of you can already guess, and the heat is on to either upsale as much as possible or come up with more creative ways to sell more product (although preferably not to the expense of the mega-parent company or, y'know, actually dropping prices or anything, of course). But I've been there. Done that. Why should it be bothering me now, though?
Folks tell me that I've been through a lot over the last few months, what with the high-stress move, my friend dying, then my grandmother, and now the pressure of being possibly made a manager, among other things. Being in debt. Losing some friendships. And I suppose that's true and all. Maybe I do need a vacation. Some time to myself to deal with all the situations that have been flung my way. But I'm afraid that my vacations will end up being much like my days off, lonely and depressed and not wanting to climb out of bed. At least at work I don't have time to worrying about stress, as I am most often already in the thick of it as it is.
I'd love to go somewhere. Nothing clears my head quite so thoroughly than being as far away from wherever I am at the moment while I'm stressing out. The trip I took to L.A. last year during that difficult period was the most rejuvenated experience I have had in awhile. Hanging out with darling Brett, and getting to see the immensely talented and (purr!) dashing Jack Stehlin in The Misanthrope. I just don't have funds for that kind of thing right now. I really wanted to go to the Vision Festival in New York this summer, too. I suppose that might still be workable, as it is less expensive than a week-long trip to Cali. Airfare and a room at the Malibu could be in my budget range, possibly. Or better yet crash at David's, although his teeny place in the lower east side is already stacked to the ceiling with bodies as it is.
In the last few months since I've moved I have regained contact with my old friend Khaled from Morocco, whom I haven't spoken to since I was in Casablanca almost 9 years ago. He's in the process of starting his own business venture and he's curious if I'd like in on some commission work on the side. He's eager for me to come back to Casablanca so that he can show me around the rest of his country -- Fez, Marrakesh, Tangier. Ride along the beaches. Head out into the Sahara. Climb the snow-capped mountains. Man, I can't tell you how seductive that all sounds right about now. But again, still out of my price range. In debt as I am, a stick of gum is out of my friggin' price range. But I suppose a girl can dream. Or "houlm", as Khaled as taught me in Arabic.
I just need strength. And maybe time. I'm just impatient, I guess. I'm not a control freak. I don't demand perfection. I'm one of the most laid-back individuals you will probably ever meet. I just want some peace of mind again. Not feel as if the floor is giving way beneath me. I think that's what I'm lacking right now: Stability.
Sorry for unloading , guys. But you know, monster on a rope and all that.
posted by Melissa at 5:50 PM
2 Comments:
I totally feel you on the need for stability -- it's important to me, too, and you *are* in a really stressful place in your life right now, so it's totally natural to want that stability. And, like, if you weren't stressed right now, after everything? I'd have to check to make sure you weren't a robot. :) {{{ }}}
Maybe a vacation with structured activities?? But yeah, be good to yourself right now, as much as you can -- you deserve it. {{{ }}}} I'll check your schedule and give you a call.
Thanks, sweetheart. And your right, I'd probably be even more stressed if I wasn't feeling any stress over all the shit that's been going on lately. But I'm glad to have you and your support in all this. Times like these I'm reminded of the people who care about me, and thank you so much, baby. :-)
How have you been doing? Talk about stressing! Is your insane Semester 'O Stress finished up now?
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