Nothing Ever Goes To Plan

I really, really think I may have to put myself back on Avandia again, and I really, really, really don't want that to happen. But since I stopped taking back in, um, April or whenever that was, I have slowly and steadily declined into the thoroughly unproductive sleep machine that I was before 2001 when my insulin resistance was through the roof and I hadn't a whiff of sugar energy to speak of. Like then, I am waking up at 7am, zonking back out at 10am until noon, catnapping at 3pm until 5pm, and crawling into bed exhausted at 11pm or midnight at the latest. And this is just on my days off, for on work days I'm just barely trying to keep myself upright and I come home ready to hit the hay, or pass out in front of the television and whatever movie Joe has brought home that night. And coffee doesn't have any effect, other than I am still dog tired but just unable to go to sleep because of all the caffeine. And I've been trying to quit coffee this summer, since I'm not really all that big of a fan but I drink it to stay awake and least mildly alert at work. But when I'm home I find myself falling back into my old patterns during my insulin resistant years; sleeping, too tired to exercise, and totally fiending for sugar, which I rarely ever did when I was on Avandia. And I hate this. I hate not wanting to exercise like I really and truly love to do. I hate hovering over sugary substances at the grocery store like a honey bee at a picnic. I hate nodding off like a nacroleptic at work. But more than any of that, I positively abhor the very idea of spending $95 to $125 a month on Avandia pills just to make me function at least one notch above a garden slug.

If I can go one week -- one measly week without sugar, I think I could get back in the race again. Heck, I've done three years straight without sugar. Once it's out of my system I know I won't crave it any more. And I know what a fighter I am. But dadblastit, I'm so tired of fighting right now. Or rather, I'm just. so. tired.