Hi, Resolution
I realize that the month is almost over and I still haven't posted anything concerning my new year's resolutions yet, and I've meant to do it for some time but I just haven't had much time for sitting and writing at length these last few weeks. Or rather, writing in the blog, because most of my writing has been for other people and projects and so forth. Detailed emails and IMs and message boards have taken over a lot of my venting space, of which my blog used to serve. But now that I haven't felt so crushingly lonely lately it doesn't quite feel like I'm just throwing this all out there into the wind hoping that someone can hear me. I love blogging, however. It feels good. It's cathartic. It keeps me in practice, even if I rarely have anything of interest to say. And whenever I actually write down my new year's resolutions they have a remarkable way of actually getting done -- like last year's buying a house, getting promoted, etc. And I don't really have that many resolutions this year so it makes for keeping them (hopefully) easier, and staying focused. Ahem... so anyway, the most pressing issue that needs to be addressed. The only issue, really:
The Job Thing: Again the numero uno issue of last year as well, and for diametrically different reasons than what I was attempting to achieve in 2006. This, by the way, was probably also the main reason for me freaking out so much last year, and as a result a lot of the control I so proudly had in my life slipping out of my hands (depression, sudden weight gain, lack of writing or drawing or any creativity whatsoever, etc). And I'm talking about ever since I was promoted to lead I have become increasingly doubtful as to my abilities to do the job effectively.
I only jockeyed for the position because it was the only next logical step up in this company. I was already full time, but I figured I could use the scant bit of money they'd offer as a lead, even if I don't really have as much ambition to rise much higher in the company, thus taking me away from what I love most (the music aspect). But I was willing to challenge myself, to step it up, to take myself further than where my comfort levels kept me reeled in. I like pushing my limits and discovering what I'm capable of. I was eager for the opportunity.
But I've discovered that, during this time, it's been nearly impossible for me to break out of my old habits when it comes to interacting with other people. I am intrinsically introverted, and when I'm at work I stay very focused, sometimes going a full day without barely speaking to a fellow co-worker. I've always had a hard time delegating responsibility, one because the last time I was in a position of leadership it backfired on me so drastically I had to quit my job, and two because I'm so used to just doing it myself, thereby insuring it gets done right. Breaking this habit is something I've been working on over the last year, and I feel like I really have something to prove. I am a dependable worker. But can I be a dependable lead?
Sadly, I'm beginning to think I can't. And I don't believe in saying I can't, so the fact that I just did hopefully shows how much I have been agonizing over this over the last year. For the first time in my long, long career in the music business, I feel as if I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. And I don't know why. I've been a manger before, several times over, for different companies. I know what needs to be done and have done it a thousand times over. But somethings holding me back this time. And as much as I struggle with it every day, I come home feeling exhausted, unhappy, and a dismal failure.
And I think a large part of what's holding me back, other than my own ineptitude, is the general state of the recording industry right now as it is. Our store is gradually weeding out music, making way for, well, frankly anything else we can stock on the shelves that will drive sales. No, the CD isn't going away anytime immediately soon. But ultimately somebody like myself is becoming increasingly obsolete in this business. Of course I can change. I've changed with the times fluidly ever since I've been in this business back in the 80's. But now, with the way business is changing the question is: Do I want to change this time around? Will it ultimately be worth it all in the end?
I know I've nattered on and on about this issue for ages and I know it's still too soon to tell which way the winds blows presently in this biz. And that's what makes this resolution so frustrating. There is no clearly defined objective for me to pursue, because I don't know whether to continue struggling with my difficulties being a lead when I feel our company may be changing soon in a way that will eventually nudge me out, unless I choose to adapt. And do I want to adapt? My resolution poses more questions than solutions. Which I guess is why I have avoided trying to write it all out until now, hoping that I'd have an answer at this point.
But I feel this issue has a lot to do with my own doubts about a lot of other things in my life, like my creativity, my health maintenance, and everything else associated. I can't, however, neglect these other issues while I'm still trying to hash out the big one.
The Health Thing: Get back to walking every day (now that I have my new iPod I hardly have any excuse anymore). Cut back sugar to former regulations. I already don't drink sodas or eat fast food. I have lived without sugar before. I know I can get back there again.
The Creative Thing: Draw a little every day. Even if it's just my finger in the air. Blog more often. Even if you have nothing to say (you guys are pretty much used to that).
And...?: W ell, we'll see how the rest of the year goes, shall we?
The Job Thing: Again the numero uno issue of last year as well, and for diametrically different reasons than what I was attempting to achieve in 2006. This, by the way, was probably also the main reason for me freaking out so much last year, and as a result a lot of the control I so proudly had in my life slipping out of my hands (depression, sudden weight gain, lack of writing or drawing or any creativity whatsoever, etc). And I'm talking about ever since I was promoted to lead I have become increasingly doubtful as to my abilities to do the job effectively.
I only jockeyed for the position because it was the only next logical step up in this company. I was already full time, but I figured I could use the scant bit of money they'd offer as a lead, even if I don't really have as much ambition to rise much higher in the company, thus taking me away from what I love most (the music aspect). But I was willing to challenge myself, to step it up, to take myself further than where my comfort levels kept me reeled in. I like pushing my limits and discovering what I'm capable of. I was eager for the opportunity.
But I've discovered that, during this time, it's been nearly impossible for me to break out of my old habits when it comes to interacting with other people. I am intrinsically introverted, and when I'm at work I stay very focused, sometimes going a full day without barely speaking to a fellow co-worker. I've always had a hard time delegating responsibility, one because the last time I was in a position of leadership it backfired on me so drastically I had to quit my job, and two because I'm so used to just doing it myself, thereby insuring it gets done right. Breaking this habit is something I've been working on over the last year, and I feel like I really have something to prove. I am a dependable worker. But can I be a dependable lead?
Sadly, I'm beginning to think I can't. And I don't believe in saying I can't, so the fact that I just did hopefully shows how much I have been agonizing over this over the last year. For the first time in my long, long career in the music business, I feel as if I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. And I don't know why. I've been a manger before, several times over, for different companies. I know what needs to be done and have done it a thousand times over. But somethings holding me back this time. And as much as I struggle with it every day, I come home feeling exhausted, unhappy, and a dismal failure.
And I think a large part of what's holding me back, other than my own ineptitude, is the general state of the recording industry right now as it is. Our store is gradually weeding out music, making way for, well, frankly anything else we can stock on the shelves that will drive sales. No, the CD isn't going away anytime immediately soon. But ultimately somebody like myself is becoming increasingly obsolete in this business. Of course I can change. I've changed with the times fluidly ever since I've been in this business back in the 80's. But now, with the way business is changing the question is: Do I want to change this time around? Will it ultimately be worth it all in the end?
I know I've nattered on and on about this issue for ages and I know it's still too soon to tell which way the winds blows presently in this biz. And that's what makes this resolution so frustrating. There is no clearly defined objective for me to pursue, because I don't know whether to continue struggling with my difficulties being a lead when I feel our company may be changing soon in a way that will eventually nudge me out, unless I choose to adapt. And do I want to adapt? My resolution poses more questions than solutions. Which I guess is why I have avoided trying to write it all out until now, hoping that I'd have an answer at this point.
But I feel this issue has a lot to do with my own doubts about a lot of other things in my life, like my creativity, my health maintenance, and everything else associated. I can't, however, neglect these other issues while I'm still trying to hash out the big one.
The Health Thing: Get back to walking every day (now that I have my new iPod I hardly have any excuse anymore). Cut back sugar to former regulations. I already don't drink sodas or eat fast food. I have lived without sugar before. I know I can get back there again.
The Creative Thing: Draw a little every day. Even if it's just my finger in the air. Blog more often. Even if you have nothing to say (you guys are pretty much used to that).
And...?: W ell, we'll see how the rest of the year goes, shall we?
posted by Melissa at 9:27 AM
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