Control And Release
I suppose I know where my current state of anxiety is coming from these days, the reason for my recent overeating and undersleeping as of this week; I am on the path of a possible promotion. The one that I have been hoping for all these years. But, according to my boss, I must now prove myself worthy in more ways than I have in the past.
I had my evaluation last week and as usual it was great. As always I am an excellent employee -- hard working, task-oriented, knowledgeable, cooperative, punctual, etc. Because of all of these attributes my boss says that she feels I could make a great lead... BUT... she just doesn't see me as a "leader". As hard-working as I am, I am too quiet, too reserved, and although I am a self-motivator, she doesn't see me easily motivating the staff in there same manner.
The thing is I think she may be right. And that's what's stressing me.
I come to work every day the way I come to work in most places that I have ever worked -- arrive, do my job, and leave. I don't socialize much with the staff, with the exception of a few like Tracy and Tony. And the thing is that I like everybody I work with very much. I mean very much! In my entire working life I don't believe I have ever worked in an environment where I got along so well with every single person I work with. But in the 2 1/2 years that I have been working there I really haven't gotten to know a lot of these kids like I should have, and that really is all my fault. It's easier for me to open up with Tracy and Tony, perhaps because they are both music geeks like myself as well as being closer to my own age. But in reality I know if they often didn't approach me first then I could see myself avoiding them as well -- not because I don't like their company, but my natural solitude keeps me nervously away. It's a natural involuntary reflex that I struggle with constantly around people I don't know well. I always tell people that when I walk up to *you* first then you know I feel completely at ease with you. I don't often feel that ease with my co-workers, even though I like them all very much and on the occasions when we do hang out and talk enjoy their company very much.
And I suppose that will be the hurdle that I must learn to leap if I want this promotion. And you know... because of my nature, I really wish I wasn't being made a lead in order to get a full time position. Full time is what I want more than managerial responsibilities. I don't want anything that will take me closer to a desk job and further away from the music level of the business. I want to be right where Tracy is, a lead who wants nothing more than that -- to make good money but not climb any higher and further away from what she loves, which is being on the floor with the customers putting the music in their hands. That's the love and thrill for the job that I have as well. I want that... along with the full time pay and benefits. I need health insurance through my work. I want to get my 401K activated again. I want to start living at least slightly above the poverty level once again. And I want to start looking to buy that dream house once more.
But in order to achieve all of this, I need to start making some huge changes in... well, everything I am. A whole personality workover. Before January, when my next review comes up and the opportunity arises. Can I *do* that? Can I be a completely different person by January? Will the benefits I stand to reap be worth the effort?
Well, wish me a strong, sturdy backbone, comrades. I'm goin' in.
I had my evaluation last week and as usual it was great. As always I am an excellent employee -- hard working, task-oriented, knowledgeable, cooperative, punctual, etc. Because of all of these attributes my boss says that she feels I could make a great lead... BUT... she just doesn't see me as a "leader". As hard-working as I am, I am too quiet, too reserved, and although I am a self-motivator, she doesn't see me easily motivating the staff in there same manner.
The thing is I think she may be right. And that's what's stressing me.
I come to work every day the way I come to work in most places that I have ever worked -- arrive, do my job, and leave. I don't socialize much with the staff, with the exception of a few like Tracy and Tony. And the thing is that I like everybody I work with very much. I mean very much! In my entire working life I don't believe I have ever worked in an environment where I got along so well with every single person I work with. But in the 2 1/2 years that I have been working there I really haven't gotten to know a lot of these kids like I should have, and that really is all my fault. It's easier for me to open up with Tracy and Tony, perhaps because they are both music geeks like myself as well as being closer to my own age. But in reality I know if they often didn't approach me first then I could see myself avoiding them as well -- not because I don't like their company, but my natural solitude keeps me nervously away. It's a natural involuntary reflex that I struggle with constantly around people I don't know well. I always tell people that when I walk up to *you* first then you know I feel completely at ease with you. I don't often feel that ease with my co-workers, even though I like them all very much and on the occasions when we do hang out and talk enjoy their company very much.
And I suppose that will be the hurdle that I must learn to leap if I want this promotion. And you know... because of my nature, I really wish I wasn't being made a lead in order to get a full time position. Full time is what I want more than managerial responsibilities. I don't want anything that will take me closer to a desk job and further away from the music level of the business. I want to be right where Tracy is, a lead who wants nothing more than that -- to make good money but not climb any higher and further away from what she loves, which is being on the floor with the customers putting the music in their hands. That's the love and thrill for the job that I have as well. I want that... along with the full time pay and benefits. I need health insurance through my work. I want to get my 401K activated again. I want to start living at least slightly above the poverty level once again. And I want to start looking to buy that dream house once more.
But in order to achieve all of this, I need to start making some huge changes in... well, everything I am. A whole personality workover. Before January, when my next review comes up and the opportunity arises. Can I *do* that? Can I be a completely different person by January? Will the benefits I stand to reap be worth the effort?
Well, wish me a strong, sturdy backbone, comrades. I'm goin' in.
posted by Melissa at 12:40 PM
2 Comments:
Dude, you are *so* funny and sweet and smart and likeable -- you don't need to do a personality makeover at all in order to reach out to these people... just somehow, do whatever it is you need to do to get over the hurdle that's keeping you from showing everybody how awesome and loving you are.
You remind me of Ponce, in many ways -- she is the absolute life of the party when we have little get-togethers, so funny and kind and clever, but she has trouble reaching out to people, afraid of something.
So, like, there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need a transplant... just figure out what it is that is keeping you from walking up to people that, by all rights, should absolutely *adore* you. and then TAKE YOUR MONEY! :D {{{ }}}
Sweetie, you always know exactly how to perk me right up. A-thank-ya kindly for all the good words.
By the way, how is the screenplay coming? I was trying to get some ideas about that scene at the end that we were talking about, but I'm drawing blanks.
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